This is an article based on personal experiences. It is not meant to complain, or brag, or trash people. It is meant to enlighten those who could use help – and we all need help.
I understand why so many people are lost today. There are so many influences on us to get us to buy something, to like someone, to hate someone, to hate a group, to get you to feel bad about yourself or to trust someone else’s opinion over your own. Control is often the underlying motivation to messing you up – and I was messed up once. Heck, I’m still a little nutty today but not like I was many years ago. When I was around 18 years old, I felt I was the dumbest person on the earth. This wasn’t long after graduating from high school a year early. School came easy to me and I breezed through it, even working 30 hours a week at a job during the school year for a while. I skipped school many times my last year just to catch up on homework. Math and logic came very easy. Yet here I was, thinking I was not even worthy of living anymore, because I was so darn stupid. How in the world does this happen? It isn’t hard, people are beat down all the time for numerous reasons. Mostly to control you in some way, but other times just because it makes someone feel better about themselves.
I guess it all started when I was a child. Around the age of six or seven I would get punished with the belt. I remember my mom crying and pleading with my dad to stop more than I remember the pain. One time was because I didn’t finish my dinner. It wasn’t too many times I got hit with the belt, but for the rest of my childhood my dad would threaten that he was going to get a “switch” to punish me, meaning a branch from a tree. I wasn’t even a bad kid, I was pretty quiet for the most part, but I was the youngest and grew up during my dad’s worst years I guess. My dad had a gambling problem. He bet on the horses all the time, so much they had to pawn my mom’s wedding ring once and also re-mortgage the house. In New York there was off track betting (OTB). That is where my dad would visit frequently to place his bets on the horses running at Finger Lakes race track and Batavia Downs race track. Someone he met once at OTB told him the daily double was rigged, and the answers were in clues found in two different comic strips. Andy Capp was one of them, I don’t remember the other. So everyday my dad would sit with the newspaper studying those comic strips, looking for an edge. Of course he lost a lot, his method that he relied on for years never paid off. After the race results came in he would study the comics again to see what he missed. And he would get frustrated with himself for missing a little line in the drawing, or a phrase that could have meant this or that. Gamblers usually lose, so he was in a bad mood a lot. He seldom did anything with us, he yelled and complained mostly. Of course I was put down a lot and felt I could do nothing right. It seems like anytime I was asked to do something, he would follow me and fix it.
It could have been worse, my mom and her sisters were raped by their father, and her brothers were beat a whole lot worse than I ever was so I feel kind of lucky in some ways. I ran away twice, the first time when I was 13 and the second time when I had just turned 16. I stayed away for a few weeks, and it was during that time I found out what it was like to go hungry. To be hungry here or there is something we all know, but to be constantly hungry is a feeling you can’t understand until you live it. I was a quiet kid, very shy, way too shy actually. Kids and teachers would comment on how I never said much or smiled.
My dad quit school in the 11th grade, my mom quit in the 9th grade, and college was never even mentioned in our house, college was for “other families”. We were supposed to get a job and get out. There wasn’t any money for college anyway, my parents would have to borrow from my dad’s parents when they got in a bind, and some of my brothers and sisters borrowed from my grandparents too. I never wanted to borrow so I didn’t. I never even thought much about going to college even after bringing home straight A’s and being placed in advanced courses. My goal was to own my own business, I didn’t need college for that anyway I figured. When I was 16 I got a job at a gas station and worked with mostly college kids, one who was 5 years older than me and we became friends. It was good hanging around someone old enough to buy drinks. But this friend would put me down a lot, mocking me every time I slurred a word even, calling me dumb for not knowing something. He admitted years later that he would read about something and then work the conversation to that subject and act like he was really smart, and of course put me down for not knowing about it. So there I was, 18 years old and wanting to die. If it wasn’t for my mom being such a loving wonderful person and myself not wanting to hurt her, I was leaving town or leaving this world, something I thought a lot about.
So one night I tried to figure things out. OK, I was really dumb, not much I can do about it. But I thought, “would I rather be dumb but a good person that isn’t going to hurt people, or smart and possibly take advantage of others”? At that age it seemed like most smart people used what they had to do just that. The choice was easy. I was going to go through life and try to help people and not hurt them. I haven’t always been successful but I try. That night I did something else I had never really done before. I prayed. I prayed for wisdom. Whether I’m wise or not is up to others I guess, and I know I have a lot to learn still and improve on as a person, but I feel pretty good how far I’ve came.
Things got better between me and my dad, especially after I moved out. He liked coming to visit me in Vermont, and my kids adored him. He gave up gambling years before he died, and got hooked with buying baseball cards instead, those he said would put my kids through college someday. Unfortunately he started collecting in the late 80’s when everyone else did also, so the cards never amounted to much. I ended up with a lot of them, and maybe a grand kid of mine someday will take the time and sell them online and make some money.
So I understand how people can be influenced to think crazy things. I lived it. I know listening to someone over and over putting you down, or putting others down, can be very influential on a mind. We are all susceptible to bad influences. If you hear the same thing over and over you just may start to believe it, no matter how far out in left field it is, and no matter how smart or strong you are. I see that today in politics. I see people running to their side only listening to what one or a few people are saying and not listening to others. Believe in yourself. Believe that you can figure out what is going on without being force fed by others. Keep your eyes and mind open, there are forces out there that want to keep you messed up for their gain. Don’t make it easy for them. If you are hanging with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself, or tries to control you, work on getting out of that situation. If you listen to news hosts on TV always bashing people, or groups of people, maybe they are not what you need in your life to be able to think clearly. You will see I have a lot to say on that (take a look at my videos too). But when it comes down to it, if you are trying to be a good person who does good things like helping others, being a good influence on others, taking care of yourself and your family, having compassion for those less fortunate, and choosing love, truth and knowledge whenever possible, you will be just fine. I hope I can help you on that journey.